Dear Bathroom Scale that smells like piss and crap
I am breaking up with you.
You suck the life out of me. I have spent twenty years trying to please you – nothing I ever do makes you happy. Any pleasure you have ever given me has been temporary and volatile.
Stupid scale: Why couldn’t you be more like my heart monitor. It always encourages me, gently beeping to remind to work a little tougher, keeping a record of all that I have done, not mocking me for eating that extra slice of pizza.
When I look at you all I see reflected back are my jiggly thighs and gooey squishy belly. You are a constant reminder of all that I have not accomplished. All you care about are pounds and ounces: you never once acknowledged my muscles or endurance or energy level.
You have cost me thousands of dollars. Trying to please you, I have invested in books, videos, workout pants, horrific supplements, weights, gym memberships. And even when I am feeling good and exercising, nothing I ever do is good enough for you. All those times, I would plead, cry, I even resorted to lying to you, setting the dial to below your zero – nothing worked.
You would dictate the way I felt, what I wore, the length of my skirt. I have been your whore for too long.
And when I was bloated and feeling crummy? Those extra pounds you would pack on always made me feel so special and loved.
You are the reason I own so many *forgivable* pants and stretchy tunics.
Muscle weighs more than fat. Happiness weighs more than a barbie doll
It’s as if you wanted to weigh me down with unhappiness misery and failure
I realized it was never even you I wanted: I had you confused with health and vitality and happiness and the confidence to wear skinny jeans.
And btw, my friends never liked you either. They always told me to get rid of you, that I was too good for you. That you weren’t good for my self-worth or happiness.
You are useless. The only people who even need you are butchers, bakers and pediatricians.
You were the most stubborn thing in my life: never budging an ounce in the right direction. You are cold & heartless. Like metal and tempered glass.
We are so over: I have found a very nice tape measure in a flattering shade of green.