Today’s post was meant to be about our Xmas party. I was going to describe all the festivities and food and anecdotes. I was hoping there would be at least one scandal (there wasn’t) and a few funny things to remark on (tons, actually!) I was also hoping to write about my healthy food/alcohol choices. But that would be a lie. And for the record, I can lie like a rug when it suits me – just ask my husband/mom/kids or anyone whose known me longer than 20 minutes – but there were too many witnesses and besides, now I have stage fright. Normally, writing this blog is free-flowing, easy & fast. Afterall, I have spent over half my lifetime contemplating the size of my ass versus the *ideal* length of my shirts.And I don’t mind sharing my thoughts about it either.
But last week I discovered that a few people actually read this blog. That this blog has even landed me a few interesting work possibilities, a few people have forwarded this onto their buddies, but mainly that others have found it resonated with them.
This was unexpected, really & truly.
I am not edgy or funny. I am not an informed source nor a controversial one. Basically, I have no schtick. And yet. It is such mixed feeling. On the one hand I post links to this blog on Facebook, and twitter – clearly I am shamelessly advertising this blog. And then when people refer to it, I brush it off, dismiss their compliments.
I want people to read this and to comment on it but when they do I get all stuffy and change the subject. Gentle reader, I do appreciate it, more than (my) words can ever say. I just do self-deprecating way better than I do proud . The pattern emerging is that I seek your approval (silently pleading for it, actually) and then run away, shame-faced when I get it. It is very similar to when I lose a few pounds and then *reward* myself with an entire bag of chips. Um, and a chocolate bar. How banal and predictable.
I don’t know why but it reminds me of my husbands ultimate all-time favorite joke:
Did you hear about the sadist and the masochist?
The masochist says to the sadist, “Hurt me, hurt me!” the sadist answers, “No.”
oh my flippin eyeballs, this took forever to write…honesty sucks sometimes!!! (but don’t tell my husband, he thinks I am cleaning up right now)