OK – so I realize that it’s not often one gets to call *serendipity* while sitting on the toilet, hunched over, while the last 5 days worth of food comes gushing out – but that’s EXACTLY how it happened. In preparation of an extended stay in the bathroom and in between cramps, I had grabbed a magazine from the kitchen and on the cover was the headline,
“Real People: Half Their Size”!! OK, so this was not my usual issue of the The Economist or The NewYorker, it was the special Double Issue of People, but I swear – I have no idea how it landed in our house, really.
See, I don’t know what I ate that has caused my body to go into Code Red but I have been sitting on the toilet or very near to it, doing exactly what this article was promoting: losing half my body weight!!
Except that we all know sickness weight loss only lasts as long as the sickness and I have plans for tomorrow so if I was serious about losing half my weight, (which I am not, only like maybe a quarter or so) I’d have to find another way. So I decided that the only thing cooler than finally shedding some poundage would be: SELECTIVE WEIGHT LOSS!! Whereby I get to choose exactly where the weight comes off. Talk about incentive!!!
So with that in mind, I will start with the easy ones:
60% of my butt. The bottom half. Unless,I can simply re-locate it to my boobs. That would be awesome too!
The furrow in my brow.
The part of my mid-section where my back-fat is meeting my love handles.
The excess fat around my stocky peasant ankles.
I know this will only amount to a small amount but sometimes it’s the little things right? I’d get rid of the hair growing strangely out of my chin. They are coarser than the regular ones so their combined weight may really add up.
Now it gets tricky (and weird) as sacrifices must be made to shed more of me:
Both my pinkies: I have this really annoying habit of sticking them upwards when handling a glass of any kind. And since I am not Victorian gentry I think I ‘d be willing to give em up! Also, I am a thumb-typist so again,no *real* reason to keep em, right?
I am totally willing to rid myself the part of brain that registers the sound of people chewing loudly
So happy to be rid of the part of my heart that causes my arrhythmia
And there goes the part of nose that registers the scent of blue cheese, human farts & obnoxious perfumes (dog farts don’t distress me as much as they probably should)
Finally gone would be the part of my hearing that has had to endure childrens whining, Celine Dion and Margaret Atwood.
Combined, I think that brings me to approximately 30%- give or take a limb or artery. But no
reason to go all Drew Carey at once And I am not ashamed to admit I got all warm & fluffy knowing that at half my weight, I’d weigh less than a super model, ok,, not all models, just supersexy curvy ones like Crystal ….Awesome!!