“Your breast are very dense”
Seriously – did my doctor just make fun of my boobs?
Because it’s not bad enough that I get to lie here, totally exposed from the waist up, with my muffin top rolling over the side of my too-tight skinny jeans and flourescent lighting above designed specifically to highlight every stretchmark and dimple and pucker – but now apparently, my breasts are dim-witted too??
And the thing is – in the seconds before I realized what she was actually referring to – I whole-heartedly agreed with her – these boobs of mine suck royally. In fact last year, I briefly considered chopping them off. True story.
My boobs have never got me a date, a job, or a drink. Don’t get me wrong, I have received many a date, job, drink in my day but not ever as a result of anything peeking out from behind a fitted sweater or low cut tee. A revealing shirt and flat chest do not a date make, apparently. #BoobFail
My boobs could not even feed a starving child. I know this because when my oldest was born, my boobs simply refused to give him all that he needed. I brought my baby and my boobs to a lactation clinic every single day for the first three weeks of his life. They were manipulated, squeezed, pulled, yanked, bitten, supplemented, pleaded with and threatened. Nothing. Tubes were given to help supplement with formula. I remained a human soother for 18 months anyhow but it was merely for comfort (to me, it seemed an unhappy facade). #BoobFail
Also, my boobs are more likely than not to fill with cancer one day. #DoubleBoobFail
I do not say this lightly. Statistics dictate that this will be true. Don’t worry mom, I blame the boobs, not you! My grandmother had breast cancer – among other types – and lived until 94, when she dies tragically from old age. My mom, going strong in her 70’s has also faced multiple cancers. In fact, at one point they were both in the hospital, attacking stupid cancer at the same time, just different floors. So, I do no think I am being dramatic or neurotic. I don’t want to have cancer – obviously – I just suspect that my family history, coupled with the fact that I am over-weight (another possible contributor) and my congested breast tissue may eventually lead me this way one day…
One technician, trying to be helpful (??!!), suggested that I would probably detect lump abnormalities much sooner than most because my boobs were so so small. Thanks Doc. Last year I even wondered (to myself, this is the first time I’ve discussed, ever) just chopping them off. But alas, this only exists in TV land ( I got the idea from an episode of Greys Anatomy anyway). I made a few calls, explained my situation but this chopping off of the breast is not an option. Not unless I am willing to do it myself. I am not, in case you are wondering. I am not even sure that I would seriously consider this type of preventative healthcare but I was certainly surprised to discover that there are not even any conversations about this within the healthcare arena.
I will play it safe and get my mammograms yearly and hope that you do the same. In the meantime, I need my faith in boobs restored. Any suggestions?? What have your boobs done for you lately??
p.s. Googling breasts for some images should only ever be done once your children are in bed. I had no idea….