Category Archives: Heavy Weight Wednesdays

help wanted

Help Wanted.

So I used to have this one friend and now I don’t ( wouldn’t you love to know)… And the one thing we were really good at was losing weight together.  It was half  competition (that was my half) and half support system (um, yep, she was the good guy in all this).  And it worked.  Between us, I think we lost the equivalent of a husky third-grade boy scout and it was awesome.

And then she broke up with me.

And  I rebound.  A lot. With pizza.  And chips. (Knowing all this would  make her piss herself with pleasure, I bet.  So I guess she wasn’t *all* good (There. Gratuitous insult complete) .  But I digress…

And ever since I have been moaning, whining, plotting, planning, contemplating, pontificating, reading – and now, finally – writing about my attempts to lose weight.  I have turned something simple into an algorithm best left for  the nerdy dude Matt Damon played in Good Will Hunting.

All I really need is some help, gentle reader.

Basically, I am looking for a weight loss buddy.  Someone to team up with.  I have built this job posting to help: (Please note: single-digit sized people need not apply):

Must be committed but not quite as committed as me.

-Must enjoy frantic phone calls, emails, and text messages where you talk me out of the bakery.

-Must enjoy chips, chocolate, cheese, pizza and cookies. I do not want to be the only one being deprived.

Preferably, I am looking for someone one size down from me – you will generously donate to me all your too-large clothing.  However, willing to accept someone one size up, purely for the smugness factor.

-Must  welcome verbal abuse.

-Must never lose more than me in any given week.

-Ability to see through all my bullshit and still want to motivate one another will be highly regarded.

The funny thing is – I am not really being funny!  So, if  you’re in a similar situation and looking to pair up, let me know!  Having this blog is amazing – the feedback truly encouraging, but I would like to go one on one with someone so let me know if you’d be interested.  (Must have email, facebook or twitter). Alternatively, here are some other openings:



Filed under Heavy Weight Wednesdays, Saucy

How Dense Am I?

Your breast are very dense”

Seriously – did my doctor just make fun of my boobs? 

Because it’s not bad enough that I get to lie here, totally exposed from the waist up, with my muffin top rolling over the side of my too-tight skinny jeans and flourescent lighting above designed specifically to highlight every stretchmark and dimple and pucker – but now apparently, my breasts are dim-witted too??

And the thing is – in the seconds before I realized what she was actually referring to  – I whole-heartedly agreed with her – these boobs of mine suck royally.   In fact last year, I briefly considered chopping them off. True story.

My boobs have never got me a date, a job, or a drink. Don’t get me wrong, I have received many a date, job, drink in my day but not ever as a result of anything peeking out from behind a fitted sweater or low cut tee. A revealing shirt and flat chest do not a date make, apparently. #BoobFail

My boobs could not even feed a starving child.  I know this because when my oldest was born, my boobs simply refused to give him all that he needed.   I brought my baby and my boobs to a lactation clinic every single day for the first three weeks of his life.  They were manipulated, squeezed, pulled, yanked, bitten, supplemented, pleaded with and threatened.  Nothing.  Tubes were given to help supplement with formula.  I remained a human soother for 18 months anyhow but it was merely for comfort (to me, it seemed an unhappy facade).  #BoobFail

Also, my boobs are more likely than not to fill with cancer one day. #DoubleBoobFail

I do not say this lightly.  Statistics dictate that this will be true.  Don’t worry mom, I blame the boobs, not you!  My grandmother had breast cancer – among other types – and lived until 94, when she dies tragically from old age.  My  mom, going strong in her 70’s has also faced multiple cancers.  In fact, at one point they were both in the hospital, attacking stupid cancer at the same time, just different floors.  So,  I  do no think I am being dramatic or neurotic.  I don’t want to have cancer – obviously – I just suspect that my family history, coupled with the fact that I am over-weight (another possible contributor) and my congested breast tissue may eventually lead me this way one day…

One technician, trying to be helpful (??!!), suggested that I would probably detect lump abnormalities much sooner than most   because my boobs were so so small.  Thanks Doc. Last year I even wondered (to myself, this is the first time I’ve discussed, ever) just chopping them off. But alas, this only exists in TV land ( I got the idea from an episode of Greys Anatomy anyway).  I made a few calls, explained my situation but this chopping off of the breast is not an option.  Not unless I am willing to do it myself.  I am not, in case you are wondering. I am not even sure that I would seriously consider this type of preventative healthcare but I was certainly surprised to discover that there are not even any conversations about this within the healthcare arena.

I will play it safe and get my mammograms yearly and hope that you do the same.  In the meantime, I need my faith in boobs restored.  Any suggestions??  What have your boobs done for you lately??

p.s. Googling breasts for some images should only ever be done once your children are in bed.  I had no idea….


Filed under Heavy Weight Wednesdays, Saucy

hair loss and what I wore

(originally posted November 2010 at suzieswapper)

Recently a friend was explaining that now that her kids were a bit older she’d like to return to work but she would really need to find something meaningful. something that contributes back to society.  Quickly, she looked up, realizing who she was talking to ( I am suzieswapper, afterall – creator of a clothing swap, a  materialistic vain endeavor, one could easily argue – and said that this was just her and she didn’t expect everyone to have the same values.


So after to this dim-witted friend of mine basically attacked my moral core & values in one fell swoop, I did question if suzieswapper was my contribution and did I feel ok with that. uummm, yes I do!!  Here’s the thing, yesterday I went for a haircut and it dawned on me I no longer felt like a super-model leaving the salon, and hadn’t for ages.

Seriously –  you know that feeling when you walk out of the salon.  Maybe you catch some chic looking in your direction and you’re convinced she’s deathly of jealous of you and your gorgeous locks – even if it’s just for the day, it’s a glorious feeling. 

And I won’t ever get it back.

Around 2 years ago, I started losing my hair (which is ironic because I never ever liked it anyhow until I started finding it on my pillow rather than my head, in copious amounts).  And it’s not coming back either. A very close friend, and hair specialist, used words like alopecia and permanent but I had to stop listening.

Also, I don’t have a great rack.

Or a swan neck.

Or dark sultry eyes.

But I do have clothes!  Pinks, purples, greens, blues…skirts, dresses, tanks & shoes.  And when I wear them I feel pretty.  And I smile more.  And studies have proven that spreading a smile can be as valuable as just about anything else.  so that’s my contribution to the world, you self-righteous, pompous naval-gazing thick-haired, swanny neck bitch!!!

And in case you’re wondering, my favorite locks these days are:


Filed under Clothing Liasion, Heavy Weight Wednesdays, Saucy

saddest day of the year? FUNK YOU!!

keeps coffee hot - in more ways than one!

I don’t know why but today is apparently the saddest day of the year.

Personally, I would have nominated the day after Christmas or First Summer Day where I expose my pasty white jiggly thighs to the world with this honor, but alas, here we are.  And actually, I am feeling a bit blue.

It is minus 22 and it seems as if Winter is just warming up (um, except the opposite), my pants don’t feel any looser (in fact, again feeling like it may be opposite day) and my 40th is approaching in a few weeks (I *may* have mentioned this already).

But since I no longer eat my way out of a funk I’ve decided to refuse the funk. So, FUNK YOU, funk!!!  I am going to surround myself with pretty things today, and keep the fire lit, the espresso machine on and the music loud.  I may also ignore the laundry, dishes, unpaid bills and uncut toenails .  I will only use my computer for good today – no CNN, Jezebel, or Huffington Post crazies for me.  So here are a few of my favorite things (oh, and did I mention my birthday will soon be here?):

Pretty as a picture

So what if the food, sucks, I be pretty in this!

dripping hot words spill forth

always Cassia Beck

Anna Maria Horner pure prettiness

Lori Richards


Filed under 5-pound Fridays, Heavy Weight Wednesdays, Saucy

My Ass Is On Fire

So, I have written and talked and contemplated weight loss for several weeks now, but as usual, have neglected much of the …. ummmmmm….. doing it part.  But I am very grateful now that I was weak and cowardly earlier today and let myself get bullied into working out by a kind, fierce friend who swears way too much.

hottest warrior ever

So, I worked out, felt sick, smelt sick and then I showered and now…I am a warrior.

Seriously, I spent the entire afternoon singing & whistling and feeling great.

Until my husband got home.

So, husband is home, dinner is ready (yep and the fact that I managed somehow to both workout and prepare dinner in the same day has also contributed to my glee/Glee – husband claims this is a first btw).  I am singing (not unloudly) as I dish out the chicken and suddenly husband bursts into laughter.  H asks me, pretty please, to repeat what I have just sung, in the same smug-ish voice he uses when I try to pronounce irregular French verbs.  Ok, it’s a tune I’ve had stuck in my head all afternoon, so no problem:

Me: “…My Ass is On Fire……”

Him: Can you  sing it again?

Me: Sure…(clearing throat)…My Ass Is On Fire

Him: Right.  Walks over to laptop and clicks on this video:

Me: Oh Shit…well whatever…why do those boys all look the same?…my version makes more sense anyhow”

And then he reminds me the time I confused this one too:

“Later on, we’ll conspire, as we dream by the fire…”

And my version:

‘” Later on, we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire…”

Husband’s equally “funny” father got miles of jokes and laughter from that one. Used to sing it like that during the holidays. Yup, they’re all “funny”.

I don’t limit my gaffes to songs either. Earlier in the week,  I noticed there were 4 empty beer bottles from the previous night,and he was the only one drinking.  I turned to husband and declared:

“Husband, you got some ‘splaining to do.”  Except I used my best Gary Coleman-Different Strokes voice.  Except,as everyone except me knows, this infamous ‘spression was coined by Ricky Ricardo.

what chew talkin bout Lucy??

Husband did abrupt double take and lectured me on the appropriate Different Strokes – I Love Lucy pop culture applications. On a related and stunningly uninteresting note (husband specializes in related and stunningly uninteresting notes, sidebars and footnotes), did you know that Ricky Ricardo was a famous and established band leader pre-Lucy? Me neither. Do you care? Me neither. I just thought he had great hair and a cute accent.

This is why husband will get leftovers tomorrow night.


Filed under Heavy Weight Wednesdays, Saucy, Scaling Back

I’m kind of not a big deal

I’m kind of not a big deal, and that’s ok.  But sometimes I just kind of forget, y’know?

Exhibit A.

When I was 10 I was the ultimate Solid Gold Dancers Fan, I used to watch it religiously and had their posters splattered all over my bedroom (ceiling). I even had – gasp – personalized autographs from a few of them.

Talk about "Dance Like Nobody's Watching"

I adored them and it looked like they thought I was pretty special too, right?  Until I went over to Katie’s house and  {louder shrieky} gasp, she had the same personalized autographed glossy 8×10 headshots as I did.  Apparently, anybody who asked got one – just like that. Turns out I wasn’t so special after all.   Fast forward to grade 8 math class:

Mr. Mucusker, my first school-girl crush: I was convinced that if he looked deep enough into my eyes, he would see me and crush right back.   I used to stare-wide-eyed and unblinking during his  lessons.   I got a C that year.  Typical.

So I was completely floored by a recent post by  the very amazing  Sharon D, who  wrote candidly about a part of her troubled youth and the man she  credits for reaching out, in  spite of everything and pulling her up.  In her case, this policeman  needed to show her that she really is kind of a big deal, since she couldn’t see it herself yet.

So the moral here is that we really are ALL kind of a big dealer actually.

Just that maybe we can’t always choose the MOMENTS of our Big-Dealness y’know?  (Really humiliating example to demostrate this is quickly approaching)

Exhibit B:

I am currently working on a top secret undercover project for spaghettiandspanx and  decided that getting an interview with Jessica Seinfeld would really help cement the project and give me focus ( ok, yep, and provide a whole lot of klout too) Eagerly, I wrote her an email asking her to contact me.  Three entire days went by and – nothing!!  I even sent her a couple of tweets, one which included a link to the 5 minute long confessional rant post.  See –  I was convinced that it would go something like this:

Jessica, upon reading the post where I break up with my scale: “ahhh hahaha hahahaha …Jerry, you gotta read this – this girl’s a riot {insert coffee shooting out of her nose from unexpected hilarity}

Jerry, in next room, doing um, funny things: Hey honey – can you keep it down.  Me and {insert cool celebrity here} are {insert funny activity}

Jessica: “yada yada yada Jerry, you gotta come watch this!!”

Jerry {enter stage right} camera pans in to Jerry reading intently: “honey, you gotta collaborate with this girl, she’s even funnier than me – not that there’s anything wrong with that” {as lone tear trickles down his face}

Um, what actually happened was she sent me a very gracious & polite note, regretting that she was unavailableDuh!!

Seriously, it was Mr. Mucusker all over again.  As soon as I come out of my imaginary fantasy -crazed daydream I am actually horrified by my behaviour.  Luckily I spent 3 hours completing a very complicated puzzle with my youngest , and now HE thinks I am kind of a big deal!

So tell me (PLEASE!!!) that, you too have been struck by delusions of  grandeur??  I am actually begging you to …*whimper*….


Filed under Heavy Weight Wednesdays, Saucy, Scaling Back, Uncategorized

Who owns Fat????

I realize that this is a FIVE MINUTE long video – I swear – I did not intend that, I know how long 5 minutes is these days.

But it’s the hardest post I have written (um, ok, video-d) and it would mean a lot to me to get your fedback. Mainly that you do not hate me for my twitter comment.

Let me preface this by saying when I am nervous I smile.  It is an INCREDIBLY bad habit because it looks like a smirk.  I was literally cringing inside when I taped this but I am smiling the entire time.

Also, when I say we should get *over it* I am referring to this feeling of fat, not my comment.  My comment was horrendous, I am just lucky this gal is so dignified and gracious.


Filed under Heavy Weight Wednesdays, Saucy, Scaling Back