I’m kind of not a big deal

I’m kind of not a big deal, and that’s ok.  But sometimes I just kind of forget, y’know?

Exhibit A.

When I was 10 I was the ultimate Solid Gold Dancers Fan, I used to watch it religiously and had their posters splattered all over my bedroom (ceiling). I even had – gasp – personalized autographs from a few of them.

Talk about "Dance Like Nobody's Watching"

I adored them and it looked like they thought I was pretty special too, right?  Until I went over to Katie’s house and  {louder shrieky} gasp, she had the same personalized autographed glossy 8×10 headshots as I did.  Apparently, anybody who asked got one – just like that. Turns out I wasn’t so special after all.   Fast forward to grade 8 math class:

Mr. Mucusker, my first school-girl crush: I was convinced that if he looked deep enough into my eyes, he would see me and crush right back.   I used to stare-wide-eyed and unblinking during his  lessons.   I got a C that year.  Typical.

So I was completely floored by a recent post by  the very amazing  Sharon D, who  wrote candidly about a part of her troubled youth and the man she  credits for reaching out, in  spite of everything and pulling her up.  In her case, this policeman  needed to show her that she really is kind of a big deal, since she couldn’t see it herself yet.

So the moral here is that we really are ALL kind of a big dealer actually.

Just that maybe we can’t always choose the MOMENTS of our Big-Dealness y’know?  (Really humiliating example to demostrate this is quickly approaching)

Exhibit B:

I am currently working on a top secret undercover project for spaghettiandspanx and  decided that getting an interview with Jessica Seinfeld would really help cement the project and give me focus ( ok, yep, and provide a whole lot of klout too) Eagerly, I wrote her an email asking her to contact me.  Three entire days went by and – nothing!!  I even sent her a couple of tweets, one which included a link to the 5 minute long confessional rant post.  See –  I was convinced that it would go something like this:

Jessica, upon reading the post where I break up with my scale: “ahhh hahaha hahahaha …Jerry, you gotta read this – this girl’s a riot {insert coffee shooting out of her nose from unexpected hilarity}

Jerry, in next room, doing um, funny things: Hey honey – can you keep it down.  Me and {insert cool celebrity here} are {insert funny activity}

Jessica: “yada yada yada Jerry, you gotta come watch this!!”

Jerry {enter stage right} camera pans in to Jerry reading intently: “honey, you gotta collaborate with this girl, she’s even funnier than me – not that there’s anything wrong with that” {as lone tear trickles down his face}

Um, what actually happened was she sent me a very gracious & polite note, regretting that she was unavailableDuh!!

Seriously, it was Mr. Mucusker all over again.  As soon as I come out of my imaginary fantasy -crazed daydream I am actually horrified by my behaviour.  Luckily I spent 3 hours completing a very complicated puzzle with my youngest , and now HE thinks I am kind of a big deal!

So tell me (PLEASE!!!) that, you too have been struck by delusions of  grandeur??  I am actually begging you to …*whimper*….

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Filed under Heavy Weight Wednesdays, Saucy, Scaling Back, Uncategorized

Who owns Fat????

I realize that this is a FIVE MINUTE long video – I swear – I did not intend that, I know how long 5 minutes is these days.

But it’s the hardest post I have written (um, ok, video-d) and it would mean a lot to me to get your fedback. Mainly that you do not hate me for my twitter comment.

Let me preface this by saying when I am nervous I smile.  It is an INCREDIBLY bad habit because it looks like a smirk.  I was literally cringing inside when I taped this but I am smiling the entire time.

Also, when I say we should get *over it* I am referring to this feeling of fat, not my comment.  My comment was horrendous, I am just lucky this gal is so dignified and gracious.

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No kitchens were cleaned in the making of this video

So, I hope you were able to take 3.22 minutes and watch my vlog – otherwise the following list is just going to seem really random and insane.  As I mentioned, I would sincerely love any help you can provide: whether that be by posting some recipes for me, sending me links to specific sites, offering to cook for us or signing me up for a catering service.  I would even accept someone offering to buy it all the ingredients off me and we could just order in from now on- either way, I feel very over-indulged and wasteful. Um,and a dummy for not already  knowing how this whole cooking thing works!!

As promised, here is my list (I also have a myriad of herbs/spices,most unopened):

Wine Vinegar,  Apple Cider vinegar, Balsamic Vinegar, Rice Vinegar, White vinegar, Cider Vinegar, California Walnut Oil, Extra virgin olive Oil ( I refuse to EVOO  it a la Rachel Ray, Toasted Sesame oil, Pimentee Oil (tis is the one I called *HOT* in the video),  Hoisin Sauce, Soy Sauce, Reduced Soy Sauce, Worcestershire Sauce, Hot sauce, minded ginger, garlic, capers, Red Wine Marinade (in a jar??), Chili sauce, Diana bbq Sauce, Beef Bovril, Asian Sesame Marinade, Tandoori curry Paste, Red chili paste, raisins, currants, prunes, cranberries, maple flakes,corn syrup, corn starch, honey, slivered almonds, vanilla,

and lots and lots of unidentified crumbly bits stuck in my pantry,but they didn’t look very tasty so I fed them to the kids, um dogs instead!

p.s.I do realize that most of these ingredients are not actually condiments,but I shot this video in 1 take,and was too scared to try again.  I also don’t know how to edit iPhone 3g videos- so if you watched this and suck as much as I do about food but know things about the iPhone, you can get in touch too please – I will even make you dinner…um…probably…

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what if you’re only half the chick you think you are

OK –  so I realize that it’s not often one gets to call *serendipity* while sitting on the toilet, hunched over, while the last 5 days worth of food comes gushing out – but that’s EXACTLY how it happened.  In preparation of an extended stay in the bathroom and in between cramps, I had grabbed a magazine from the kitchen  and on the cover was the headline,

my electrician must have accidently left this behind

“Real People: Half Their Size”!!  OK, so this was not my usual issue of the The Economist or The NewYorker, it was the special Double Issue of People, but I swear – I have no idea how it landed in our house, really.

See, I don’t know what I ate that has caused my body to go into Code Red but I have been sitting on the toilet or very near to it, doing exactly what this article was promoting: losing half my body weight!!

Except that we all know sickness weight loss only lasts as long as the sickness and I have plans for tomorrow so if I was serious about losing half my weight, (which I am not, only like maybe a quarter or so)  I’d have to find another way. So I decided that the only thing cooler than finally shedding some poundage would be: SELECTIVE WEIGHT LOSS!!  Whereby I get to choose exactly where the weight comes off.  Talk about incentive!!!

So with that in mind, I will start with the easy ones:

60% of my butt.  The bottom half. Unless,I can simply re-locate it to my boobs. That would be awesome too!

The furrow in my brow.

The part of my mid-section where my back-fat is meeting my love handles.

The excess fat around my stocky peasant ankles.

I know this will only amount to a small amount but sometimes it’s the little things right? I’d get rid of the hair growing strangely out of my chin. They are coarser than the regular ones so their combined weight may really add up.

Now it gets tricky (and weird) as sacrifices must be made to shed more of me:

Both my pinkies: I have this really annoying habit of sticking them upwards when handling a glass of any kind.  And since I am not Victorian gentry I think I ‘d be willing to give em up! Also, I am a thumb-typist so again,no *real* reason to keep em, right?

I am totally willing to rid myself the part of brain that registers the sound of people chewing loudly

So happy to be rid of  the part of my heart that causes my arrhythmia

And there goes the part of nose that registers the scent of  blue cheese, human farts & obnoxious perfumes (dog farts don’t distress me as much as they probably should)

Finally gone would be the part of my hearing that has had to endure childrens whining,  Celine Dion and Margaret Atwood.

I'd be all of her, all the time!!

Combined, I think that brings me to approximately 30%- give or take a limb or artery.  But no

reason to go all Drew Carey at once  And I am not ashamed to admit I got all warm & fluffy knowing that at half my weight, I’d weigh less than a super model, ok,, not all models, just supersexy curvy ones like Crystal ….Awesome!!

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Filed under Heavy Weight Wednesdays, Monday's Misssion, Scaling Back

I resolve to be more helpful…

So resolutions are ridiculous,  yep I agree. And yet, I am drawn to them the same way I am drawn to calendars, organizers, to-do lists and anything else that promises to put my life in order (insert creepy Guidance counselor voice-over here).  My house is stacked with my failed efforts. Example? I have no less than 3 calendars going at any one time and each time I want to confirm plans I need to check with all the calendars. Um, usually this involves me finding them first though which I can never seem to do so things just get scribbled on the back of receipts and envelopes anyhow.  But I digress…so my resolution is to be more helpful.  Hence I wrote your resolutions instead. You can thank me later:

To the lady who  keeps her car running while waiting to pick up her son at lunchtime, even in nice weather:  I hereby resolve you offset your carbon footprint by becoming David Sukuki’s personal barber for one year & eat only recycled food for another three.

To my husband who can only seem to manage to get the empty beer bottles to the cupboard under the sink rather than to actual cupboard we reserve for recycling: I resolve you take out ALL the recycling from now until forever.  Oh wait, you already do this…which is why you rock!

To the publisher looking for the latest blog turned memoir a la The Pioneer women & Julie Powell  – I resolve that you discover *me*!!

To the bakers up the road: I resolve that you stop making the world’s finest croissant…you are too much for me too handle so I am afraid you must go. Please feel free to replace with a 7 grain organic leaden bread, if you so desire.

To my dog who craps in the basement: I resolve that you will not crap in the basement and then try

smell my breath, I dare ya!

to hide the evidence by eating it anymore. Our other dog simply barks and I let him out in the backyard (rather to the disgust of the poolboy but whatever) and you will learn to do the same.

To the Facebook friend who insists on clogging up my feed with Treasure Island: I resolve that you relocate to your own island, far removed from wi-fi connection or better yet, find a plank  to walk.  Same for all you Millionaire City folk.  You must leave town immediately.

mmm....matey!!

To the makers of children’s cereals: I resolve you live in shame for 8 years, at which time you redeem yourself by creating a tasty healthy alternative that you give free to all the world’s children.  You must also spend 800 community service   hours searching for pathetic toys in the bottom of a man-made sea of cereal.

To all you self-congratulatory hipsters starting businesses, raising kids with ease, publishing stories, and eating organic: I um..well..hhhhmmmm…ok…I resolve that by the end of the year I will be one of you!

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Fishy Resolution.

I heart 2011

RESOLUTIONS WORTH FIGHTING FOR:

1. Lose weight.  Smirk all you want but if this happened to you, it would be your number one resolution as well:

Tonight we ate at dinner at my mother in laws. Present were my family and my brother/sister/mother in law (um, those are 3 separate people, not one crazy hybrid, btw).

Have I mentioned that my BIL played professional hockey and that my SIL played soccer for Team Canada in the 2008 Olympics in China?

Have I mentioned that um, I once received Most improved player on my women’s softball team?

Have I also mentioned that they are super sweet for never raising an eyebrow at the amount of food I shovel onto my plate? Partly it is because they are way too polite and partly it is because I tend to suck my gut in a lot around them.

Feeling very Violet tonight

So tonight’s incredible supper was salmon, shrimp, salad and asian tofu.  Apparently when I am surrounded by healthy food, I am forced to  eat copious amounts of it, thereby making it unhealthy – it’s a quirky little trick of mine  So there was this combination – where I was busy sucking in my gut every time I walked past either of them – and trying to keep down a small ocean of fish in my belly.

So we leave – all is good, but by now my stomach starting to sound like a grade 7 band rehearsal and I’m a little shaky.

We arrive home and, desperate to um, let out a little bit of air from the tire – I excuse myself to go for a walk.

3 steps into the walk and relief must be had. All you must know about what happened next is that the release (um, ok the flippin FART!!) was so bad I thought I was going to have to go home and change my pants.

So, I dare you – after reading this – to tell me that losing weight is not an admirable goal this year??

Resolution #2: EVERYTHING ELSE

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How we manage the holidays

“Peej…..how do you manage to stave off boredom and thirst while playing with your boys all day at the rink or the toboggan hill in the forest?”

PJ: “ummmm…..”

(This post proudly brought to you by my dear husband.  And Coors Light).  I was too busy contemplating weightloss

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