Tag Archives: spaghettiandspanx

help wanted

Help Wanted.

So I used to have this one friend and now I don’t ( wouldn’t you love to know)… And the one thing we were really good at was losing weight together.  It was half  competition (that was my half) and half support system (um, yep, she was the good guy in all this).  And it worked.  Between us, I think we lost the equivalent of a husky third-grade boy scout and it was awesome.

And then she broke up with me.

And  I rebound.  A lot. With pizza.  And chips. (Knowing all this would  make her piss herself with pleasure, I bet.  So I guess she wasn’t *all* good (There. Gratuitous insult complete) .  But I digress…

And ever since I have been moaning, whining, plotting, planning, contemplating, pontificating, reading – and now, finally – writing about my attempts to lose weight.  I have turned something simple into an algorithm best left for  the nerdy dude Matt Damon played in Good Will Hunting.

All I really need is some help, gentle reader.

Basically, I am looking for a weight loss buddy.  Someone to team up with.  I have built this job posting to help: (Please note: single-digit sized people need not apply):

Must be committed but not quite as committed as me.

-Must enjoy frantic phone calls, emails, and text messages where you talk me out of the bakery.

-Must enjoy chips, chocolate, cheese, pizza and cookies. I do not want to be the only one being deprived.

Preferably, I am looking for someone one size down from me – you will generously donate to me all your too-large clothing.  However, willing to accept someone one size up, purely for the smugness factor.

-Must  welcome verbal abuse.

-Must never lose more than me in any given week.

-Ability to see through all my bullshit and still want to motivate one another will be highly regarded.

The funny thing is – I am not really being funny!  So, if  you’re in a similar situation and looking to pair up, let me know!  Having this blog is amazing – the feedback truly encouraging, but I would like to go one on one with someone so let me know if you’d be interested.  (Must have email, facebook or twitter). Alternatively, here are some other openings:


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Filed under Heavy Weight Wednesdays, Saucy

I’m kind of not a big deal

I’m kind of not a big deal, and that’s ok.  But sometimes I just kind of forget, y’know?

Exhibit A.

When I was 10 I was the ultimate Solid Gold Dancers Fan, I used to watch it religiously and had their posters splattered all over my bedroom (ceiling). I even had – gasp – personalized autographs from a few of them.

Talk about "Dance Like Nobody's Watching"

I adored them and it looked like they thought I was pretty special too, right?  Until I went over to Katie’s house and  {louder shrieky} gasp, she had the same personalized autographed glossy 8×10 headshots as I did.  Apparently, anybody who asked got one – just like that. Turns out I wasn’t so special after all.   Fast forward to grade 8 math class:

Mr. Mucusker, my first school-girl crush: I was convinced that if he looked deep enough into my eyes, he would see me and crush right back.   I used to stare-wide-eyed and unblinking during his  lessons.   I got a C that year.  Typical.

So I was completely floored by a recent post by  the very amazing  Sharon D, who  wrote candidly about a part of her troubled youth and the man she  credits for reaching out, in  spite of everything and pulling her up.  In her case, this policeman  needed to show her that she really is kind of a big deal, since she couldn’t see it herself yet.

So the moral here is that we really are ALL kind of a big dealer actually.

Just that maybe we can’t always choose the MOMENTS of our Big-Dealness y’know?  (Really humiliating example to demostrate this is quickly approaching)

Exhibit B:

I am currently working on a top secret undercover project for spaghettiandspanx and  decided that getting an interview with Jessica Seinfeld would really help cement the project and give me focus ( ok, yep, and provide a whole lot of klout too) Eagerly, I wrote her an email asking her to contact me.  Three entire days went by and – nothing!!  I even sent her a couple of tweets, one which included a link to the 5 minute long confessional rant post.  See –  I was convinced that it would go something like this:

Jessica, upon reading the post where I break up with my scale: “ahhh hahaha hahahaha …Jerry, you gotta read this – this girl’s a riot {insert coffee shooting out of her nose from unexpected hilarity}

Jerry, in next room, doing um, funny things: Hey honey – can you keep it down.  Me and {insert cool celebrity here} are {insert funny activity}

Jessica: “yada yada yada Jerry, you gotta come watch this!!”

Jerry {enter stage right} camera pans in to Jerry reading intently: “honey, you gotta collaborate with this girl, she’s even funnier than me – not that there’s anything wrong with that” {as lone tear trickles down his face}

Um, what actually happened was she sent me a very gracious & polite note, regretting that she was unavailableDuh!!

Seriously, it was Mr. Mucusker all over again.  As soon as I come out of my imaginary fantasy -crazed daydream I am actually horrified by my behaviour.  Luckily I spent 3 hours completing a very complicated puzzle with my youngest , and now HE thinks I am kind of a big deal!

So tell me (PLEASE!!!) that, you too have been struck by delusions of  grandeur??  I am actually begging you to …*whimper*….

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Filed under Heavy Weight Wednesdays, Saucy, Scaling Back, Uncategorized